Pray to the Lord and please forgive my sins.
I just finished punishing my dog. I totally lost it when he growled and tried to bite my mom. I didn't try to understand why this happened or how best to deal with it. I simply relapsed to my old ways and punished Mocha without the least bit of patience. And when I finished punishing him I don't feel better at all but actually much worst. Worst in a way that I have let God down AGAIN! I have been praying for pateince. My sisters in cell have been praying for patience for me and here I am, just lost it. And I also feel bad that I lost it in front of my parents. I have been trying so hard to demonstrate to them what the Lord has done in my life and here I am reacting NOTHING Christ-like, more like a complete savage. I prayed to God afterward to ask for His forgiveness but then what good is that??!! I sin on exactly the same thing over and over again. I feel frustrated and feel like a fraud. When will I finally heal God's words and really learn to be patience and to control my temper.
I know this sounds defeated and frustrated and I am. But I also know that the Lord will not abandon me especially in my time of needs. I do want to change and to learn and I will simply have to pray with such fire and earnestness to remind myself to heal God's words.
Praise our Almighty God! Amen!
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
My journey to Chirst
I have always considered myself to be a good person and I have always believed in God but I believed in myself more. And as I moved through life, the more I believed that the only person I could depend on is me. Whenever there were problems with work or with life, I always analyzed and figured things out on my own. That was what I was good at and I continued to rely on myself completely.
I know this sounds odd but I have no doubt there is a God because he answered my prayer more than 10 years ago (1993/94) when my brother was diagnosed with acute leukemia. I prayed to God to save my brother and He answered my prayer by making our bone marrows a perfect match and the doctor performed a transplant that saved my brother’s life. My brother is fine now and has been ever since the transplant. However, even with this undeniable miracle, I still wanted God to prove to me that I can depend on him. I continued my life pretty much the same after this drama. The one biggest gift from this ordeal other than having our brother back with us was that our family grew much closer.
My job required me to move around to different countries and different posting every few years. In 1999 I was posted back to Hong Kong for one of the longest posting I have ever had in my Cathay career. After a 2 months hiatus in Alliance I was transferred to Marketing for the 2nd time. For the next 5 years was some of the most remarkable time I have spent in the company. I was surrounded by a group of extremely intelligent, hard working, funny, loyal and above all “Godly” colleagues. I knew of their faith as they were very open but they never forced their faith on me. They simply demonstrated their Christ-like characters in all that they do.
I loved Marketing but it was also some of the most trying times. Even with all my Godly colleagues, I was still very insistent on depending on my wit. Our management like most management in big corporation is extremely difficult to please and that made me even more determined to please them. Since their practice is to not “tell” you what they want, I ended up spending a lot of time second-guessing. Sometimes I may get it and I feel ecstatic but then most of the times I am not even close. I felt frustrated and I screamed a lot. I even used very foul languages on others when I couldn’t find any other ways to release my pressure. This was some of the worst of times but also some of the best of times.
In early 2000 I met my future fiancée and after about 2 years of dating we decided to live together. Part of the reason was that we thought it maybe a good idea to see if we were really meant to be and another reason was that he was trying to kick-start his own financial consultant business. After almost a year living together, he proposed to me and I accepted. From that moment on our relationship went “south” immediately. We planned to be married in Oct 2003. As the date came closer, I had more and more anxiety. I attributed it to pre-marriage jittery. I consulted friends and analyzed the whole situation with everyone insight. Then work got really busy and more difficult and I just figured all these probably caused my anxiety. However, I couldn’t deny that something was terribly wrong as I spent less and less time at home because my fiancée and I had run out of things to say to each other. I also started teaching scuba diving and so while I work long hours on weekdays, on weekends I would leave the house at 6am in the morning and didn’t return until well after 11pm. In July 2003, after my diving trip in Sipadan, I suggested to my fiancée that it maybe a good idea to postpone our wedding. My reason was that we should wait until his own business was in place and I felt that the timing would be wrong to plunge into marriage.
In late 2003, my colleague (and a friend) lends me the book Left Behind. She said it made a huge impact on her and she just wanted to share it with me. She said even if it did nothing for me at least it was fun reading. I started reading the book and could not help but chuckled. To me the book was a doomsday book but since it was pretty well written I continued to read it. Then I got to a passage which stuck me to the core. “That he had relied on himself and that now he felt stupid and weak and worthless? He could admit that. After a life time of achieving, of excelling, of being better than most and the best in most circles, he had been as humbled as was possible in one stroke.” I realized that was exactly how I have been. I had told people that I could only rely on myself and I have always been proud of how I could manage and handle things on my own. In my heart I knew that God had spoken to me. But I wanted to be sure and I also wanted an answer. So I went home that evening and prayed to God. I asked Him to tell me what to do about my engagement. And sure enough, the Lord spoke to me and told me just 3 words, “Don’t be selfish.” His words struck me like a lightening rod. I knew that it was God who spoke to me because never in the entire process had I ever thought I was selfish at all. Through the analysis and the discussions, the conclusion has always been that marriage was a logical step and that I was just afraid of losing my “freedom”. But when God spoke to me, I realized I have been selfish all along. I had agreed to the marriage for all the wrong reasons. I was going to marry a man that loved me, that would make a good husband and a good father. But then I realized that I didn’t love him. I only loved him like I would any of my good friends but not as my soul mate. The Lord gave me the courage to speak the truth and on 15Feb2005 the engagement was called off.
From that moment onward, I have been studying the bible and finding out more about the Lord. I realized that Jesus had died for our sins and had been resurrected and is now at the side of His Father. That in order for us to be with him in our eternal life we must be more like Christ. I now realized that the only one I can depend on is the Lord and only His judgment matters. I pray that He will continue to guide me and use me in the way He sees fit so that I can ensure my life will be used to Glorify Him. Amen!
I know this sounds odd but I have no doubt there is a God because he answered my prayer more than 10 years ago (1993/94) when my brother was diagnosed with acute leukemia. I prayed to God to save my brother and He answered my prayer by making our bone marrows a perfect match and the doctor performed a transplant that saved my brother’s life. My brother is fine now and has been ever since the transplant. However, even with this undeniable miracle, I still wanted God to prove to me that I can depend on him. I continued my life pretty much the same after this drama. The one biggest gift from this ordeal other than having our brother back with us was that our family grew much closer.
My job required me to move around to different countries and different posting every few years. In 1999 I was posted back to Hong Kong for one of the longest posting I have ever had in my Cathay career. After a 2 months hiatus in Alliance I was transferred to Marketing for the 2nd time. For the next 5 years was some of the most remarkable time I have spent in the company. I was surrounded by a group of extremely intelligent, hard working, funny, loyal and above all “Godly” colleagues. I knew of their faith as they were very open but they never forced their faith on me. They simply demonstrated their Christ-like characters in all that they do.
I loved Marketing but it was also some of the most trying times. Even with all my Godly colleagues, I was still very insistent on depending on my wit. Our management like most management in big corporation is extremely difficult to please and that made me even more determined to please them. Since their practice is to not “tell” you what they want, I ended up spending a lot of time second-guessing. Sometimes I may get it and I feel ecstatic but then most of the times I am not even close. I felt frustrated and I screamed a lot. I even used very foul languages on others when I couldn’t find any other ways to release my pressure. This was some of the worst of times but also some of the best of times.
In early 2000 I met my future fiancée and after about 2 years of dating we decided to live together. Part of the reason was that we thought it maybe a good idea to see if we were really meant to be and another reason was that he was trying to kick-start his own financial consultant business. After almost a year living together, he proposed to me and I accepted. From that moment on our relationship went “south” immediately. We planned to be married in Oct 2003. As the date came closer, I had more and more anxiety. I attributed it to pre-marriage jittery. I consulted friends and analyzed the whole situation with everyone insight. Then work got really busy and more difficult and I just figured all these probably caused my anxiety. However, I couldn’t deny that something was terribly wrong as I spent less and less time at home because my fiancée and I had run out of things to say to each other. I also started teaching scuba diving and so while I work long hours on weekdays, on weekends I would leave the house at 6am in the morning and didn’t return until well after 11pm. In July 2003, after my diving trip in Sipadan, I suggested to my fiancée that it maybe a good idea to postpone our wedding. My reason was that we should wait until his own business was in place and I felt that the timing would be wrong to plunge into marriage.
In late 2003, my colleague (and a friend) lends me the book Left Behind. She said it made a huge impact on her and she just wanted to share it with me. She said even if it did nothing for me at least it was fun reading. I started reading the book and could not help but chuckled. To me the book was a doomsday book but since it was pretty well written I continued to read it. Then I got to a passage which stuck me to the core. “That he had relied on himself and that now he felt stupid and weak and worthless? He could admit that. After a life time of achieving, of excelling, of being better than most and the best in most circles, he had been as humbled as was possible in one stroke.” I realized that was exactly how I have been. I had told people that I could only rely on myself and I have always been proud of how I could manage and handle things on my own. In my heart I knew that God had spoken to me. But I wanted to be sure and I also wanted an answer. So I went home that evening and prayed to God. I asked Him to tell me what to do about my engagement. And sure enough, the Lord spoke to me and told me just 3 words, “Don’t be selfish.” His words struck me like a lightening rod. I knew that it was God who spoke to me because never in the entire process had I ever thought I was selfish at all. Through the analysis and the discussions, the conclusion has always been that marriage was a logical step and that I was just afraid of losing my “freedom”. But when God spoke to me, I realized I have been selfish all along. I had agreed to the marriage for all the wrong reasons. I was going to marry a man that loved me, that would make a good husband and a good father. But then I realized that I didn’t love him. I only loved him like I would any of my good friends but not as my soul mate. The Lord gave me the courage to speak the truth and on 15Feb2005 the engagement was called off.
From that moment onward, I have been studying the bible and finding out more about the Lord. I realized that Jesus had died for our sins and had been resurrected and is now at the side of His Father. That in order for us to be with him in our eternal life we must be more like Christ. I now realized that the only one I can depend on is the Lord and only His judgment matters. I pray that He will continue to guide me and use me in the way He sees fit so that I can ensure my life will be used to Glorify Him. Amen!
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year to everyone and may the Lord continue to shower us with His Grace and Mercy and that we continue to walk in His path and to do everything with one single purpose, to glorify His name!
So much has happened in 2005 but I must first give thanks to the Lord for loving me so and for patiently waiting for me to return to Him. When I was baptised on Easter Sunday, I could feel the Holy Spirit washing over me and the tears of joy and exhilaration were too much to hold back!
Although I have never lost heart in our Lord but there have been times when I feel "luke warm". I know He loves me but sometimes I do hope to "hear" Him. The funniest thing is He speaks to me constantly thru His Words and thru the Angels He placed around me but being a greedy person, I wanted to "hear" Him personally...just liked when He first "spoke" to me in Feb 2004. Then a friend reminded me about growing in maturity in my faith and I know that I still have so much to learn.
I have not put forth new year's resolution for many years now and I am not sure if I wish to start one now. But I do pray to the Lord to never let me lose faith! I pray that He will continue to guide me and that I will always "hear" AND "follow" His Words. There have been times when I seeked and the Lord gave me His guidance repeatedly but I chose not to listen. And when I went about my own ways and was falling into a mess (just as He was trying to prevent all along) He didn't abandon me. He put His protective arms around me and lifted me up from the rubbish. Thank you Lord for always being there for me. I pray that I will learn to "heed" Your Words.
And Lord, I know the New Year didn't start on the best note as I returned to the office and I pray that you will forgive me for my outburst. But I know the Lord that You are there for me as You teach me to "return to the world with compassion, loving deeds, kind words, and warm smiles." As we are here to serve one master only, You the Lord, that we should not heed but also not to begrudge those in the market place that do not have the benefit of know You the Lord.
And I wish to pray to the Lord to give me wisdom to deal with situations arise in the market place so I may turn every situation into an opportunity to glorify You. And I pray that I will always understand the purpose you have for me in the work that you want me to do now. And most importantly to remember all Your Teachings!
Thank you Lord for loving me unconditionally and praise you Lord for being the all knowing Lord of lords and King of kings. Amen!
So much has happened in 2005 but I must first give thanks to the Lord for loving me so and for patiently waiting for me to return to Him. When I was baptised on Easter Sunday, I could feel the Holy Spirit washing over me and the tears of joy and exhilaration were too much to hold back!
Although I have never lost heart in our Lord but there have been times when I feel "luke warm". I know He loves me but sometimes I do hope to "hear" Him. The funniest thing is He speaks to me constantly thru His Words and thru the Angels He placed around me but being a greedy person, I wanted to "hear" Him personally...just liked when He first "spoke" to me in Feb 2004. Then a friend reminded me about growing in maturity in my faith and I know that I still have so much to learn.
I have not put forth new year's resolution for many years now and I am not sure if I wish to start one now. But I do pray to the Lord to never let me lose faith! I pray that He will continue to guide me and that I will always "hear" AND "follow" His Words. There have been times when I seeked and the Lord gave me His guidance repeatedly but I chose not to listen. And when I went about my own ways and was falling into a mess (just as He was trying to prevent all along) He didn't abandon me. He put His protective arms around me and lifted me up from the rubbish. Thank you Lord for always being there for me. I pray that I will learn to "heed" Your Words.
And Lord, I know the New Year didn't start on the best note as I returned to the office and I pray that you will forgive me for my outburst. But I know the Lord that You are there for me as You teach me to "return to the world with compassion, loving deeds, kind words, and warm smiles." As we are here to serve one master only, You the Lord, that we should not heed but also not to begrudge those in the market place that do not have the benefit of know You the Lord.
And I wish to pray to the Lord to give me wisdom to deal with situations arise in the market place so I may turn every situation into an opportunity to glorify You. And I pray that I will always understand the purpose you have for me in the work that you want me to do now. And most importantly to remember all Your Teachings!
Thank you Lord for loving me unconditionally and praise you Lord for being the all knowing Lord of lords and King of kings. Amen!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)