Continue to struggle

As I read the blogs on the spiritual journey of my three friends and then remembered all that I have written in my own blogs and the time I spent with my cell group in Singapore since my baptism, I realized a commom theme. I have always felt that I am truly blessed. That the Lord has never put anything in my path that makes me feel utterly sad and defeated. I have always asked the question that what if I had to go through the same trial and tribulation as Job, would I still be standing tall before God at the end? I constantly worried that I will fail in His eyes and in the eyes of my brothers and sisters. But ultimately, that's just pride. I want to be the "perfect" Christian because it has taken me so long. I pride on being stubborn and that if I have chosen this path on my own after the Lord has shown me miracles so many times, then I must not waste any more time. Of course I have sinned...always...but somehow I never lost faith. I always feel blessed and that God loves me.

I can't understand why I am feeling so helpless at this moment, so overwhelmingly emotional. I am not particularly close to Hubert/Carrie and their family since we hardly see each other. But I was just there. He was alive and looking well when I left Courchevel on 26Dec. I witnessed a loving family. A family that radiates warmth and love for each others and those around them. Suddenly, a perfectly healthy life is snatched away. A loving life partner to my cousin and a loving father to his children, just gone.

I re-examined my prayers. I pray for healings, for love, for grace, for faith. But what am I really praying for? What am I thinking as I pray? Do I pray because I have to or feel that it is the "Christian" thing to do? I prayed this morning but did not start with my usual prayer. I don't want to be a hypocrite and a liar. I don't want to pray the usual prayer of healing and love when I don't understand what is happening around me. I know He knows but I want to say it out loud as well. I told Him I don't understand and I am sad and overwhelmed. But I don't want to lose faith. I prayed that the Holy Spirit will strengthen me from the inside. I still prayed for healings for others but I didn't pray for love for me anymore. I feel...I am just not ready yet...