It's been almost a month since I last wrote anything in my blog. I could say it's because I have been busy and that would not be entirely wrong. I could also say that I have been a bit lazy and that would also be quite true. Or I could say it's because I got nothing earth-shattering to share so maybe best to wait a bit.
The truth is I feel I have been moving away from God. I see that as I suppose to mature as a Christian, that I am starting to see the parable of God's Words about the seed that falls onto the ground with thorns growing around it. That the seed took root and grew but at the end was strangled by the thorns that were growing around the plant. The world is catching up and pushing me along very quickly. The earthly desire of a human being is making a strong show in my life. I am doing things that I believe it's wrong from the eyes of God but is trying to find ways to "justify" it by saying that time has evolved and circumstances change.
I know the struggle I am having is one major reason why I am not "hearing" God. I have no doubt He hears my prayer and I have no doubt He would never abandon me but I also know that He is not "speaking" to me at this point until I can go back to Him completely.
Walking the path of Christ is most definitely rewarding but it is also extremely difficult. Our human desire sometimes is so strong that we just want to let go, maybe just for a moment.
Dear Lord Father, I admit I am struggling in a very bad way and I know the only way out is through You. I pray that you will lead me back onto the path. Thank you Lord for not giving up on me. In Jesus name I pray...Amen!
Friday, April 07, 2006
Friday, March 10, 2006
All roll into one
9 March 8pm
I was mesmerized by our speaker, Lai Keng Pousson. Dee introduced her as a true prayer warrior. She talked about the perseverence of prayer, of never giving up, of prayer lasting beyond our life time. She talked about how prayer is to change status quo. She said the Lord told her not to accept title for she is already ordained by God. The Lord wanted her to be ordinary so she can relate to ordinary people, people of everyday life. She told our women group that we should never give up on having a mate for the Lord designed for most of us to have a mate to serve Him in a even more powerful way. That unless we have been specially set aside by the Lord to serve Him as a single woman, that we should never give up on praying to the Lord to give us someone that "deserve" us. For the Lord has said that for a man to choose a good wife, he will have good things. Thank you Lord for reminding me to never give up praying to you and to never accept status quo!
9March 1pm
My second session of Alpha. Today's topic was Who is Jesus? I thought Nicky Gumble presented a very logical explanation of why Jesus is real. We then had an open discussion to talk about what we have heard. We broke into small groups and in our group there were a few pre-believers. One guy played the devil's advocate and was asking what if even with all those copies that were written about Jesus in the New Testament, how do we know it's true? Maybe all these people are from a cult or they simply copied from each other. How do we know that it's the truth? Our facilitator is a gentle-man and he said that although it's not impossible but it's likely to be improbable. He said that if Jesus is not real, then even if people were simply copying from each other, they would cease after-awhile as people would feel that it's a hoax. If tens of thousands of people are willing to "copy" the story then there must be some truth. The guys was still twisting the words and I don't know what came over me. I started to get irritated and self-righteous and challenged his belief in historical figures like Ceasar or Heredoctus and whether he think they are real although there are far less copies of stories devoted to them. He didn't want to asnwer and I just kept pushing and pushing as if I was in a battle. Afterward I felt terrible. What if this pre-believer gets turn off by my action because he thinks all Christian behave so badly! I have displayed no traits of Christ's character. Please forgive me my Father in Heaven, for I have let you down. I pray that the man will return to hear Your Words for You are the Light, the Truth and the Life!
7/8March 630am
Maybe this is my quiet time with the Lord. Maybe the way the Lord wants me to spend time with Him is not necessary sitting in a room alone. I went running both monrings. Got up at 630am and went out for my run. It was quiet and still dark outside. I ran and ran and had my ipod on. But I could feel Him, He reminded me to count my blessings. Thank you Lord Father for giving me such amazing parents. They are loving, caring, patience, and have given only the best to us and love us unconditionally. Thank you Lord for my sister and my brother. They are not just my siblings but my best friends. They are always there for me and love me even when I am being ridiculous. Thank you Lord for giving me the gift of discipline, of strength, of compassion so that I may serve You through serving Your children. Thank you Lord for surrounding me with brothers and sisters in Christ so that I will not easily stray, that they are there to pray for me and to love me and to remind me of Your Words and Your Love and Your Faith!
Lord Father, You are the Alpha and the Omega. Thank you Jesus for sitting at the right hand of our Heavenly Father, to continue to pray and intercede for us 24/7! Praise You and Thank You for our past, our present and our future. In Jesus name I pray, Amen!
I was mesmerized by our speaker, Lai Keng Pousson. Dee introduced her as a true prayer warrior. She talked about the perseverence of prayer, of never giving up, of prayer lasting beyond our life time. She talked about how prayer is to change status quo. She said the Lord told her not to accept title for she is already ordained by God. The Lord wanted her to be ordinary so she can relate to ordinary people, people of everyday life. She told our women group that we should never give up on having a mate for the Lord designed for most of us to have a mate to serve Him in a even more powerful way. That unless we have been specially set aside by the Lord to serve Him as a single woman, that we should never give up on praying to the Lord to give us someone that "deserve" us. For the Lord has said that for a man to choose a good wife, he will have good things. Thank you Lord for reminding me to never give up praying to you and to never accept status quo!
9March 1pm
My second session of Alpha. Today's topic was Who is Jesus? I thought Nicky Gumble presented a very logical explanation of why Jesus is real. We then had an open discussion to talk about what we have heard. We broke into small groups and in our group there were a few pre-believers. One guy played the devil's advocate and was asking what if even with all those copies that were written about Jesus in the New Testament, how do we know it's true? Maybe all these people are from a cult or they simply copied from each other. How do we know that it's the truth? Our facilitator is a gentle-man and he said that although it's not impossible but it's likely to be improbable. He said that if Jesus is not real, then even if people were simply copying from each other, they would cease after-awhile as people would feel that it's a hoax. If tens of thousands of people are willing to "copy" the story then there must be some truth. The guys was still twisting the words and I don't know what came over me. I started to get irritated and self-righteous and challenged his belief in historical figures like Ceasar or Heredoctus and whether he think they are real although there are far less copies of stories devoted to them. He didn't want to asnwer and I just kept pushing and pushing as if I was in a battle. Afterward I felt terrible. What if this pre-believer gets turn off by my action because he thinks all Christian behave so badly! I have displayed no traits of Christ's character. Please forgive me my Father in Heaven, for I have let you down. I pray that the man will return to hear Your Words for You are the Light, the Truth and the Life!
7/8March 630am
Maybe this is my quiet time with the Lord. Maybe the way the Lord wants me to spend time with Him is not necessary sitting in a room alone. I went running both monrings. Got up at 630am and went out for my run. It was quiet and still dark outside. I ran and ran and had my ipod on. But I could feel Him, He reminded me to count my blessings. Thank you Lord Father for giving me such amazing parents. They are loving, caring, patience, and have given only the best to us and love us unconditionally. Thank you Lord for my sister and my brother. They are not just my siblings but my best friends. They are always there for me and love me even when I am being ridiculous. Thank you Lord for giving me the gift of discipline, of strength, of compassion so that I may serve You through serving Your children. Thank you Lord for surrounding me with brothers and sisters in Christ so that I will not easily stray, that they are there to pray for me and to love me and to remind me of Your Words and Your Love and Your Faith!
Lord Father, You are the Alpha and the Omega. Thank you Jesus for sitting at the right hand of our Heavenly Father, to continue to pray and intercede for us 24/7! Praise You and Thank You for our past, our present and our future. In Jesus name I pray, Amen!
Monday, March 06, 2006
Sometimes you just want to be alone
Saturday was a busy day. I got off to a good start with "Saturday Solitude" with the Lord. Our cell group met at the Botanical Garden and then set off to spend quiet time with the Lord. Since this was the first time for some of us to spend quiet time with the Lord so we thought an hour will be a good start. I strolled off slowly to find a quiet place. I walked past the Evolution Garden and thought about finding a quiet corner to sit down. Then somehow it didn't feel right, I mean evolution and God...So I started walking again and then I stumbled upon a few huge "canopy" like structure and decided that it would be a good place.
I started with praising the Lord and thanking Him for everything he has done in my life. Then very quickly I started to repent and ask for forgiveness for all the wrong things that I have done. Now that was a pretty long list! I then opened the bible to read and came across a very important verse. Now to be honest as well, I was reading 3March in my One Year Bible because I didn't read it on Friday night! But God works in such awesome way because I had to read it that morning during solitude time to really get what He has been trying to tell me. "I assure you that you can say to this mountain, May God life you up and throw you into the sea, and your command will be obeyed. All that's required is that you really believe and do not doubt in your heart. Listen to me! You can pray for anything, and if you believe, you will have it. But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too." Mark 11:23-25
The two major areas I have been struggling with are having faith in God and forgiveness. And just as I wanted to pray and to hear God, He told me what I need to do! He is just so amazing and awesome!
Then on Sunday I didn't go to church. However, I must say usually when I "slack" off from church I feel quite awful but this time I spent time at home alone with God. I sang worship songs, I read the bible and I felt the presence of the Lord. I guess sometimes you just want to be alone!
I started with praising the Lord and thanking Him for everything he has done in my life. Then very quickly I started to repent and ask for forgiveness for all the wrong things that I have done. Now that was a pretty long list! I then opened the bible to read and came across a very important verse. Now to be honest as well, I was reading 3March in my One Year Bible because I didn't read it on Friday night! But God works in such awesome way because I had to read it that morning during solitude time to really get what He has been trying to tell me. "I assure you that you can say to this mountain, May God life you up and throw you into the sea, and your command will be obeyed. All that's required is that you really believe and do not doubt in your heart. Listen to me! You can pray for anything, and if you believe, you will have it. But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too." Mark 11:23-25
The two major areas I have been struggling with are having faith in God and forgiveness. And just as I wanted to pray and to hear God, He told me what I need to do! He is just so amazing and awesome!
Then on Sunday I didn't go to church. However, I must say usually when I "slack" off from church I feel quite awful but this time I spent time at home alone with God. I sang worship songs, I read the bible and I felt the presence of the Lord. I guess sometimes you just want to be alone!
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
A night of prayer
Last Thursday during cell group was an evening of Prayer. Our cell leader Addie wanted us to truely practice in hearing the Lord and to pray for others. So we paired up with a cell sister and started to pray. Before the prayer, we all have to spend a minute praising God vocally and openly in order to lift up our spirit and then we hear what Rhema or Word God tells us to pray for the other person. The 1st prayer was quite amazing as both my prayer partner and I have the same Word from the Lord, LOVE. And our prayer for each other is different eventhough it's the same Word. What truely amazed me is that my prayer partner prayed that the Lord will soften my heart. Praise God! My prayer partner doesn't really know me well and in fact in the cell group, no one ever suspects I have a "hard heart". In many ways I have been through many relationships and with my job of constantly moving, I have to toughen myself in order to make sure I "survive". And My Heavenly Father, I do so much want to soften my heart. So THANK YOU and PRAISE YOU LORD for giving me those Words.
After the 1st prayer we changed partners and do the same thing again. This time my prayer partner gave me a verse, Matthew11:28-30 "Then Jesus said, Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light." PRAISE YOU LORD! Again it's true that I tend to take on alot because I think I can. I also am not good at asking for others to pray for me or even to pray for myself. I do feel weary and sometimes even want to give up but I still have not learned to depend on the LORD and give Him my burden.
Thank you Lord for You are truely awesome! You have given me your Words through my beloved sisters, your beloved children. I faithfully pray that I will heed Your Words and soften my heart and come to You for rest! Amen!
After the 1st prayer we changed partners and do the same thing again. This time my prayer partner gave me a verse, Matthew11:28-30 "Then Jesus said, Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light." PRAISE YOU LORD! Again it's true that I tend to take on alot because I think I can. I also am not good at asking for others to pray for me or even to pray for myself. I do feel weary and sometimes even want to give up but I still have not learned to depend on the LORD and give Him my burden.
Thank you Lord for You are truely awesome! You have given me your Words through my beloved sisters, your beloved children. I faithfully pray that I will heed Your Words and soften my heart and come to You for rest! Amen!
Monday, February 20, 2006
The power of His name
Praise the Lord! I heard one of the most enlightening sermon yesterday at church by our youth pastor Mike. He talked about the power of Jesus' name. He shared from his heart and it was like listening to a friend telling you about his experience. As I was sitting there listening, I couldn't help but keep nodding my head. What he said really rang true to me. As I said in my last cell meeting where I confessed that I do not really feel bother if my prayer do not come true because I figure maybe I wasn't faithful enough. Now I know the real issue is not so much that I am not faithful enough but that I am just being faithful to my own faith...which obviously also not strong enough. What I need is to be faithful to God, to His awesomeness, to His almighty power, to His name! Slowly I start to remember that when my prayers are answered are when I fully and completely trust in God. When I know that other than God there will be no one that can give me an answer. As I pray everyday, I realize that I still put faith in me and not in God. I still believe that I could figure things out so I don't really need to bother God. How silly it is of me. Whether it's big things or trivial things in my life, God wants to play a part. He wants to be there with me. I know it will not be an easy journey but I must determine to pray in faith in the Lord and not in my own faith. Thank you Lord for bringing your message to me through Pastor Mike. You are truly awesome! Amen!
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
A quiet time
I didn't realize it has been a month since I have posted anything in my blog. Just came back from a 2 weeks holiday with my family and my friends. Took my parents to Sri Lanka and Thailand. It was our annual exotic trip and we had a great time. As we get older, I become keenly aware how important it is to spend time with the people you love. I enjoy my parents' company as I can see the love they have for each other and to show me that this is the kind of love I desire. This has become one of the prayer request I make to the Lord, to let me know when His chosen one appears. A man that share the love of Christ with me, someone that loves and respects me and I of him as well. Someone to talk and to share about life.
The second week I spent in Sapporo learning to snowboard. What an exhilarating experience. I fell more times than I care to count but at the same time, it was because I cast away my fear that I could learn and enjoy snowboarding. It's just like how the Lord pushes us to do things that are new and difficult but at the same time telling us that He is there watching us and helping us to succeed so we can be more like Him.
I have now been back to work for a week. All is calm and I am getting back into the groove of things. Even when I was on holiday I continue to read my bible daily and to read our cell assigned book, How to pray in 28 Days. When I went to cell last Thur, I confessed to the fact that I have been feeling less than Christian like. I don't spend enough quiet time with God. I read my bible and the assignment religiously but many times feel more like homework than something I desire to do. I confessed that when I pray I sometimes don't pray really "faithfully" so if it doesn't happen, I won't feel really "hurt". It sounds awefully self-defeating as I can see my faith in God is tainted by my faith in man-kind. At the end of the cell, we were paired up to pray for one another. But we were not supposed to ask the other person what they wish to be prayed for but rather ask the Lord to give us a "rhema", a scripture. At the end my prayer partner and I did pray for each other but we both admitted that we really didn't know whether it was really a scripture from God or just our knowledge of the other person.
What I did find amazing is that my prayer partner pray that I will not be so hard on myself. That I should have faith in the Lord and not in man. That I should not feel discouraged/disappointed of myself in the Lord. I was grateful for that prayer but I still can't help but feel that maybe I feel that way is because I am not doing the best the Lord wants me to do. There are times I still do things that I know the Lord would disapprove and I will repent. There are even more times that I find it hard to forgive those that have trespassed against me eventhough the Lord has forgiven all our sin.
Which brings me to why I decided on the title "A quiet time". For I have not spent enough quiet time with the Lord and it has been a while since I heard from the Lord...a very quiet time. So I will start and will meditate on this verse, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Roman8:28
So I must love Him with all my heart and with all my soul and I will then hear Him. Praise the Lord. Amen
The second week I spent in Sapporo learning to snowboard. What an exhilarating experience. I fell more times than I care to count but at the same time, it was because I cast away my fear that I could learn and enjoy snowboarding. It's just like how the Lord pushes us to do things that are new and difficult but at the same time telling us that He is there watching us and helping us to succeed so we can be more like Him.
I have now been back to work for a week. All is calm and I am getting back into the groove of things. Even when I was on holiday I continue to read my bible daily and to read our cell assigned book, How to pray in 28 Days. When I went to cell last Thur, I confessed to the fact that I have been feeling less than Christian like. I don't spend enough quiet time with God. I read my bible and the assignment religiously but many times feel more like homework than something I desire to do. I confessed that when I pray I sometimes don't pray really "faithfully" so if it doesn't happen, I won't feel really "hurt". It sounds awefully self-defeating as I can see my faith in God is tainted by my faith in man-kind. At the end of the cell, we were paired up to pray for one another. But we were not supposed to ask the other person what they wish to be prayed for but rather ask the Lord to give us a "rhema", a scripture. At the end my prayer partner and I did pray for each other but we both admitted that we really didn't know whether it was really a scripture from God or just our knowledge of the other person.
What I did find amazing is that my prayer partner pray that I will not be so hard on myself. That I should have faith in the Lord and not in man. That I should not feel discouraged/disappointed of myself in the Lord. I was grateful for that prayer but I still can't help but feel that maybe I feel that way is because I am not doing the best the Lord wants me to do. There are times I still do things that I know the Lord would disapprove and I will repent. There are even more times that I find it hard to forgive those that have trespassed against me eventhough the Lord has forgiven all our sin.
Which brings me to why I decided on the title "A quiet time". For I have not spent enough quiet time with the Lord and it has been a while since I heard from the Lord...a very quiet time. So I will start and will meditate on this verse, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Roman8:28
So I must love Him with all my heart and with all my soul and I will then hear Him. Praise the Lord. Amen
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
So much to learn
Pray to the Lord and please forgive my sins.
I just finished punishing my dog. I totally lost it when he growled and tried to bite my mom. I didn't try to understand why this happened or how best to deal with it. I simply relapsed to my old ways and punished Mocha without the least bit of patience. And when I finished punishing him I don't feel better at all but actually much worst. Worst in a way that I have let God down AGAIN! I have been praying for pateince. My sisters in cell have been praying for patience for me and here I am, just lost it. And I also feel bad that I lost it in front of my parents. I have been trying so hard to demonstrate to them what the Lord has done in my life and here I am reacting NOTHING Christ-like, more like a complete savage. I prayed to God afterward to ask for His forgiveness but then what good is that??!! I sin on exactly the same thing over and over again. I feel frustrated and feel like a fraud. When will I finally heal God's words and really learn to be patience and to control my temper.
I know this sounds defeated and frustrated and I am. But I also know that the Lord will not abandon me especially in my time of needs. I do want to change and to learn and I will simply have to pray with such fire and earnestness to remind myself to heal God's words.
Praise our Almighty God! Amen!
I just finished punishing my dog. I totally lost it when he growled and tried to bite my mom. I didn't try to understand why this happened or how best to deal with it. I simply relapsed to my old ways and punished Mocha without the least bit of patience. And when I finished punishing him I don't feel better at all but actually much worst. Worst in a way that I have let God down AGAIN! I have been praying for pateince. My sisters in cell have been praying for patience for me and here I am, just lost it. And I also feel bad that I lost it in front of my parents. I have been trying so hard to demonstrate to them what the Lord has done in my life and here I am reacting NOTHING Christ-like, more like a complete savage. I prayed to God afterward to ask for His forgiveness but then what good is that??!! I sin on exactly the same thing over and over again. I feel frustrated and feel like a fraud. When will I finally heal God's words and really learn to be patience and to control my temper.
I know this sounds defeated and frustrated and I am. But I also know that the Lord will not abandon me especially in my time of needs. I do want to change and to learn and I will simply have to pray with such fire and earnestness to remind myself to heal God's words.
Praise our Almighty God! Amen!
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
My journey to Chirst
I have always considered myself to be a good person and I have always believed in God but I believed in myself more. And as I moved through life, the more I believed that the only person I could depend on is me. Whenever there were problems with work or with life, I always analyzed and figured things out on my own. That was what I was good at and I continued to rely on myself completely.
I know this sounds odd but I have no doubt there is a God because he answered my prayer more than 10 years ago (1993/94) when my brother was diagnosed with acute leukemia. I prayed to God to save my brother and He answered my prayer by making our bone marrows a perfect match and the doctor performed a transplant that saved my brother’s life. My brother is fine now and has been ever since the transplant. However, even with this undeniable miracle, I still wanted God to prove to me that I can depend on him. I continued my life pretty much the same after this drama. The one biggest gift from this ordeal other than having our brother back with us was that our family grew much closer.
My job required me to move around to different countries and different posting every few years. In 1999 I was posted back to Hong Kong for one of the longest posting I have ever had in my Cathay career. After a 2 months hiatus in Alliance I was transferred to Marketing for the 2nd time. For the next 5 years was some of the most remarkable time I have spent in the company. I was surrounded by a group of extremely intelligent, hard working, funny, loyal and above all “Godly” colleagues. I knew of their faith as they were very open but they never forced their faith on me. They simply demonstrated their Christ-like characters in all that they do.
I loved Marketing but it was also some of the most trying times. Even with all my Godly colleagues, I was still very insistent on depending on my wit. Our management like most management in big corporation is extremely difficult to please and that made me even more determined to please them. Since their practice is to not “tell” you what they want, I ended up spending a lot of time second-guessing. Sometimes I may get it and I feel ecstatic but then most of the times I am not even close. I felt frustrated and I screamed a lot. I even used very foul languages on others when I couldn’t find any other ways to release my pressure. This was some of the worst of times but also some of the best of times.
In early 2000 I met my future fiancée and after about 2 years of dating we decided to live together. Part of the reason was that we thought it maybe a good idea to see if we were really meant to be and another reason was that he was trying to kick-start his own financial consultant business. After almost a year living together, he proposed to me and I accepted. From that moment on our relationship went “south” immediately. We planned to be married in Oct 2003. As the date came closer, I had more and more anxiety. I attributed it to pre-marriage jittery. I consulted friends and analyzed the whole situation with everyone insight. Then work got really busy and more difficult and I just figured all these probably caused my anxiety. However, I couldn’t deny that something was terribly wrong as I spent less and less time at home because my fiancée and I had run out of things to say to each other. I also started teaching scuba diving and so while I work long hours on weekdays, on weekends I would leave the house at 6am in the morning and didn’t return until well after 11pm. In July 2003, after my diving trip in Sipadan, I suggested to my fiancée that it maybe a good idea to postpone our wedding. My reason was that we should wait until his own business was in place and I felt that the timing would be wrong to plunge into marriage.
In late 2003, my colleague (and a friend) lends me the book Left Behind. She said it made a huge impact on her and she just wanted to share it with me. She said even if it did nothing for me at least it was fun reading. I started reading the book and could not help but chuckled. To me the book was a doomsday book but since it was pretty well written I continued to read it. Then I got to a passage which stuck me to the core. “That he had relied on himself and that now he felt stupid and weak and worthless? He could admit that. After a life time of achieving, of excelling, of being better than most and the best in most circles, he had been as humbled as was possible in one stroke.” I realized that was exactly how I have been. I had told people that I could only rely on myself and I have always been proud of how I could manage and handle things on my own. In my heart I knew that God had spoken to me. But I wanted to be sure and I also wanted an answer. So I went home that evening and prayed to God. I asked Him to tell me what to do about my engagement. And sure enough, the Lord spoke to me and told me just 3 words, “Don’t be selfish.” His words struck me like a lightening rod. I knew that it was God who spoke to me because never in the entire process had I ever thought I was selfish at all. Through the analysis and the discussions, the conclusion has always been that marriage was a logical step and that I was just afraid of losing my “freedom”. But when God spoke to me, I realized I have been selfish all along. I had agreed to the marriage for all the wrong reasons. I was going to marry a man that loved me, that would make a good husband and a good father. But then I realized that I didn’t love him. I only loved him like I would any of my good friends but not as my soul mate. The Lord gave me the courage to speak the truth and on 15Feb2005 the engagement was called off.
From that moment onward, I have been studying the bible and finding out more about the Lord. I realized that Jesus had died for our sins and had been resurrected and is now at the side of His Father. That in order for us to be with him in our eternal life we must be more like Christ. I now realized that the only one I can depend on is the Lord and only His judgment matters. I pray that He will continue to guide me and use me in the way He sees fit so that I can ensure my life will be used to Glorify Him. Amen!
I know this sounds odd but I have no doubt there is a God because he answered my prayer more than 10 years ago (1993/94) when my brother was diagnosed with acute leukemia. I prayed to God to save my brother and He answered my prayer by making our bone marrows a perfect match and the doctor performed a transplant that saved my brother’s life. My brother is fine now and has been ever since the transplant. However, even with this undeniable miracle, I still wanted God to prove to me that I can depend on him. I continued my life pretty much the same after this drama. The one biggest gift from this ordeal other than having our brother back with us was that our family grew much closer.
My job required me to move around to different countries and different posting every few years. In 1999 I was posted back to Hong Kong for one of the longest posting I have ever had in my Cathay career. After a 2 months hiatus in Alliance I was transferred to Marketing for the 2nd time. For the next 5 years was some of the most remarkable time I have spent in the company. I was surrounded by a group of extremely intelligent, hard working, funny, loyal and above all “Godly” colleagues. I knew of their faith as they were very open but they never forced their faith on me. They simply demonstrated their Christ-like characters in all that they do.
I loved Marketing but it was also some of the most trying times. Even with all my Godly colleagues, I was still very insistent on depending on my wit. Our management like most management in big corporation is extremely difficult to please and that made me even more determined to please them. Since their practice is to not “tell” you what they want, I ended up spending a lot of time second-guessing. Sometimes I may get it and I feel ecstatic but then most of the times I am not even close. I felt frustrated and I screamed a lot. I even used very foul languages on others when I couldn’t find any other ways to release my pressure. This was some of the worst of times but also some of the best of times.
In early 2000 I met my future fiancée and after about 2 years of dating we decided to live together. Part of the reason was that we thought it maybe a good idea to see if we were really meant to be and another reason was that he was trying to kick-start his own financial consultant business. After almost a year living together, he proposed to me and I accepted. From that moment on our relationship went “south” immediately. We planned to be married in Oct 2003. As the date came closer, I had more and more anxiety. I attributed it to pre-marriage jittery. I consulted friends and analyzed the whole situation with everyone insight. Then work got really busy and more difficult and I just figured all these probably caused my anxiety. However, I couldn’t deny that something was terribly wrong as I spent less and less time at home because my fiancée and I had run out of things to say to each other. I also started teaching scuba diving and so while I work long hours on weekdays, on weekends I would leave the house at 6am in the morning and didn’t return until well after 11pm. In July 2003, after my diving trip in Sipadan, I suggested to my fiancée that it maybe a good idea to postpone our wedding. My reason was that we should wait until his own business was in place and I felt that the timing would be wrong to plunge into marriage.
In late 2003, my colleague (and a friend) lends me the book Left Behind. She said it made a huge impact on her and she just wanted to share it with me. She said even if it did nothing for me at least it was fun reading. I started reading the book and could not help but chuckled. To me the book was a doomsday book but since it was pretty well written I continued to read it. Then I got to a passage which stuck me to the core. “That he had relied on himself and that now he felt stupid and weak and worthless? He could admit that. After a life time of achieving, of excelling, of being better than most and the best in most circles, he had been as humbled as was possible in one stroke.” I realized that was exactly how I have been. I had told people that I could only rely on myself and I have always been proud of how I could manage and handle things on my own. In my heart I knew that God had spoken to me. But I wanted to be sure and I also wanted an answer. So I went home that evening and prayed to God. I asked Him to tell me what to do about my engagement. And sure enough, the Lord spoke to me and told me just 3 words, “Don’t be selfish.” His words struck me like a lightening rod. I knew that it was God who spoke to me because never in the entire process had I ever thought I was selfish at all. Through the analysis and the discussions, the conclusion has always been that marriage was a logical step and that I was just afraid of losing my “freedom”. But when God spoke to me, I realized I have been selfish all along. I had agreed to the marriage for all the wrong reasons. I was going to marry a man that loved me, that would make a good husband and a good father. But then I realized that I didn’t love him. I only loved him like I would any of my good friends but not as my soul mate. The Lord gave me the courage to speak the truth and on 15Feb2005 the engagement was called off.
From that moment onward, I have been studying the bible and finding out more about the Lord. I realized that Jesus had died for our sins and had been resurrected and is now at the side of His Father. That in order for us to be with him in our eternal life we must be more like Christ. I now realized that the only one I can depend on is the Lord and only His judgment matters. I pray that He will continue to guide me and use me in the way He sees fit so that I can ensure my life will be used to Glorify Him. Amen!
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year to everyone and may the Lord continue to shower us with His Grace and Mercy and that we continue to walk in His path and to do everything with one single purpose, to glorify His name!
So much has happened in 2005 but I must first give thanks to the Lord for loving me so and for patiently waiting for me to return to Him. When I was baptised on Easter Sunday, I could feel the Holy Spirit washing over me and the tears of joy and exhilaration were too much to hold back!
Although I have never lost heart in our Lord but there have been times when I feel "luke warm". I know He loves me but sometimes I do hope to "hear" Him. The funniest thing is He speaks to me constantly thru His Words and thru the Angels He placed around me but being a greedy person, I wanted to "hear" Him personally...just liked when He first "spoke" to me in Feb 2004. Then a friend reminded me about growing in maturity in my faith and I know that I still have so much to learn.
I have not put forth new year's resolution for many years now and I am not sure if I wish to start one now. But I do pray to the Lord to never let me lose faith! I pray that He will continue to guide me and that I will always "hear" AND "follow" His Words. There have been times when I seeked and the Lord gave me His guidance repeatedly but I chose not to listen. And when I went about my own ways and was falling into a mess (just as He was trying to prevent all along) He didn't abandon me. He put His protective arms around me and lifted me up from the rubbish. Thank you Lord for always being there for me. I pray that I will learn to "heed" Your Words.
And Lord, I know the New Year didn't start on the best note as I returned to the office and I pray that you will forgive me for my outburst. But I know the Lord that You are there for me as You teach me to "return to the world with compassion, loving deeds, kind words, and warm smiles." As we are here to serve one master only, You the Lord, that we should not heed but also not to begrudge those in the market place that do not have the benefit of know You the Lord.
And I wish to pray to the Lord to give me wisdom to deal with situations arise in the market place so I may turn every situation into an opportunity to glorify You. And I pray that I will always understand the purpose you have for me in the work that you want me to do now. And most importantly to remember all Your Teachings!
Thank you Lord for loving me unconditionally and praise you Lord for being the all knowing Lord of lords and King of kings. Amen!
So much has happened in 2005 but I must first give thanks to the Lord for loving me so and for patiently waiting for me to return to Him. When I was baptised on Easter Sunday, I could feel the Holy Spirit washing over me and the tears of joy and exhilaration were too much to hold back!
Although I have never lost heart in our Lord but there have been times when I feel "luke warm". I know He loves me but sometimes I do hope to "hear" Him. The funniest thing is He speaks to me constantly thru His Words and thru the Angels He placed around me but being a greedy person, I wanted to "hear" Him personally...just liked when He first "spoke" to me in Feb 2004. Then a friend reminded me about growing in maturity in my faith and I know that I still have so much to learn.
I have not put forth new year's resolution for many years now and I am not sure if I wish to start one now. But I do pray to the Lord to never let me lose faith! I pray that He will continue to guide me and that I will always "hear" AND "follow" His Words. There have been times when I seeked and the Lord gave me His guidance repeatedly but I chose not to listen. And when I went about my own ways and was falling into a mess (just as He was trying to prevent all along) He didn't abandon me. He put His protective arms around me and lifted me up from the rubbish. Thank you Lord for always being there for me. I pray that I will learn to "heed" Your Words.
And Lord, I know the New Year didn't start on the best note as I returned to the office and I pray that you will forgive me for my outburst. But I know the Lord that You are there for me as You teach me to "return to the world with compassion, loving deeds, kind words, and warm smiles." As we are here to serve one master only, You the Lord, that we should not heed but also not to begrudge those in the market place that do not have the benefit of know You the Lord.
And I wish to pray to the Lord to give me wisdom to deal with situations arise in the market place so I may turn every situation into an opportunity to glorify You. And I pray that I will always understand the purpose you have for me in the work that you want me to do now. And most importantly to remember all Your Teachings!
Thank you Lord for loving me unconditionally and praise you Lord for being the all knowing Lord of lords and King of kings. Amen!
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