My journey to Chirst

I have always considered myself to be a good person and I have always believed in God but I believed in myself more. And as I moved through life, the more I believed that the only person I could depend on is me. Whenever there were problems with work or with life, I always analyzed and figured things out on my own. That was what I was good at and I continued to rely on myself completely.

I know this sounds odd but I have no doubt there is a God because he answered my prayer more than 10 years ago (1993/94) when my brother was diagnosed with acute leukemia. I prayed to God to save my brother and He answered my prayer by making our bone marrows a perfect match and the doctor performed a transplant that saved my brother’s life. My brother is fine now and has been ever since the transplant. However, even with this undeniable miracle, I still wanted God to prove to me that I can depend on him. I continued my life pretty much the same after this drama. The one biggest gift from this ordeal other than having our brother back with us was that our family grew much closer.

My job required me to move around to different countries and different posting every few years. In 1999 I was posted back to Hong Kong for one of the longest posting I have ever had in my Cathay career. After a 2 months hiatus in Alliance I was transferred to Marketing for the 2nd time. For the next 5 years was some of the most remarkable time I have spent in the company. I was surrounded by a group of extremely intelligent, hard working, funny, loyal and above all “Godly” colleagues. I knew of their faith as they were very open but they never forced their faith on me. They simply demonstrated their Christ-like characters in all that they do.

I loved Marketing but it was also some of the most trying times. Even with all my Godly colleagues, I was still very insistent on depending on my wit. Our management like most management in big corporation is extremely difficult to please and that made me even more determined to please them. Since their practice is to not “tell” you what they want, I ended up spending a lot of time second-guessing. Sometimes I may get it and I feel ecstatic but then most of the times I am not even close. I felt frustrated and I screamed a lot. I even used very foul languages on others when I couldn’t find any other ways to release my pressure. This was some of the worst of times but also some of the best of times.

In early 2000 I met my future fiancée and after about 2 years of dating we decided to live together. Part of the reason was that we thought it maybe a good idea to see if we were really meant to be and another reason was that he was trying to kick-start his own financial consultant business. After almost a year living together, he proposed to me and I accepted. From that moment on our relationship went “south” immediately. We planned to be married in Oct 2003. As the date came closer, I had more and more anxiety. I attributed it to pre-marriage jittery. I consulted friends and analyzed the whole situation with everyone insight. Then work got really busy and more difficult and I just figured all these probably caused my anxiety. However, I couldn’t deny that something was terribly wrong as I spent less and less time at home because my fiancée and I had run out of things to say to each other. I also started teaching scuba diving and so while I work long hours on weekdays, on weekends I would leave the house at 6am in the morning and didn’t return until well after 11pm. In July 2003, after my diving trip in Sipadan, I suggested to my fiancée that it maybe a good idea to postpone our wedding. My reason was that we should wait until his own business was in place and I felt that the timing would be wrong to plunge into marriage.

In late 2003, my colleague (and a friend) lends me the book Left Behind. She said it made a huge impact on her and she just wanted to share it with me. She said even if it did nothing for me at least it was fun reading. I started reading the book and could not help but chuckled. To me the book was a doomsday book but since it was pretty well written I continued to read it. Then I got to a passage which stuck me to the core. “That he had relied on himself and that now he felt stupid and weak and worthless? He could admit that. After a life time of achieving, of excelling, of being better than most and the best in most circles, he had been as humbled as was possible in one stroke.” I realized that was exactly how I have been. I had told people that I could only rely on myself and I have always been proud of how I could manage and handle things on my own. In my heart I knew that God had spoken to me. But I wanted to be sure and I also wanted an answer. So I went home that evening and prayed to God. I asked Him to tell me what to do about my engagement. And sure enough, the Lord spoke to me and told me just 3 words, “Don’t be selfish.” His words struck me like a lightening rod. I knew that it was God who spoke to me because never in the entire process had I ever thought I was selfish at all. Through the analysis and the discussions, the conclusion has always been that marriage was a logical step and that I was just afraid of losing my “freedom”. But when God spoke to me, I realized I have been selfish all along. I had agreed to the marriage for all the wrong reasons. I was going to marry a man that loved me, that would make a good husband and a good father. But then I realized that I didn’t love him. I only loved him like I would any of my good friends but not as my soul mate. The Lord gave me the courage to speak the truth and on 15Feb2005 the engagement was called off.

From that moment onward, I have been studying the bible and finding out more about the Lord. I realized that Jesus had died for our sins and had been resurrected and is now at the side of His Father. That in order for us to be with him in our eternal life we must be more like Christ. I now realized that the only one I can depend on is the Lord and only His judgment matters. I pray that He will continue to guide me and use me in the way He sees fit so that I can ensure my life will be used to Glorify Him. Amen!